I don’t understand the concept of becoming someone else in the new year. Nor do I understand this facade of changing once the new year erects. Can’t we all just stay true to oneself. Or at least find ourselves, instead of changing and altering ourselves to something unrecognizable? It seems that we all want to be something we’re not to get accepted by this personless thing we call society. 

Something I always find myself in. Be it, myself, not returning the affection, one feels for me. Which is what usually happens.. Or seldom does it happen, myself loving one who does not love me back. 

I’m known for not knowing what I want. I’m completely guilty of it. I also lose intrest in things quite fast, and I can’t bear too much of the same consistent pattern too long. It’s horrible, and I seem like a complete mess by this trait. I feel awful for those relationships that ended because of how I doubted the intrest that was being put in, on my part. So many great guys that didn’t deserve to be treated, the way I treated them.

The irony of it is that, I wasn’t quite sure I wanted them. But now that I am sure of who I want, I can’t have them. I think that’s always how it might be for me. I’m that complicated, messed up girl. Who won’t take things that are given to me too easily, I need some sort of complication, or something that won’t be so.. Easily to come by. Or.. How should I put it. The only way I can love something, or someone, is to love it completely, thoroughly, and selfishly. I can’t half ass love for anything. It’s either I love you, or I could care less of your existence. I’m going to be honest. The past relationships that I have been in, were only for the sake that I thought I needed to be in one. Not for any reason, did I want to be in one. I thought I needed to be in one. 

Though, now I know, that I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, not even with the guy that I currently take intrest to. I simply just want to be recognized, that I am a living being, from this other guy. Let me tell you a funny story actually, about this evasive guy that I once knew: 
We were a part of this.. Group together in high school. Which meant that we would be seeing each other for 2 hours, every day after school except for fridays, for 4 1/2 months. I was in a class with him before this group, and I knew I was attracted to him, somewhat. Though no solid feelings were there. I was in a relationship at the time, it was going.. Well. Like every other relationship that I ever had, “alright”.

Anyways. I never bore to any attention to this guy in my class/group. Nor did he. We started having weird events where we would bump into each other out of class, and talk. I began to notice this odd intrest I had, which I never had with anyone else. I began rerouting my ways to class, to make sure I would bump into him, and have that small talk that I craved every day. I liked to talk to him, he upheld his side of the conversation. That was very rare to find in anyone in my school, aside from my bestfriends. He was mysteriously predictable. I don’t know how to explain it. He was blunt, yet the blunt honesty he always gave me, only made me respect him more. 

As the months went on, I noticed.. I was beginning to like him more than just someone I like to talk to. I also began to change. I’m never the one to go gaga over anyone. I’m always so.. Nonchalant in relationships. Never too clingy, or thoughtful in anything. But he.. Made me the opposite. I never usually over analyzed anything anyone said. Though, when he spoke to me. I tried to interpret what he said, in 50 different contexts. He made me into what I used to make fun of other girls. Over obsessive need to know why everything was said or done for. 

Then the production ended. We weren’t in class anymore. As came our graduation. Spring break… Was the last we ever spoke, or had a real conversation.. I took it personally.. TO the extent where I completely digitally deleted him out of my life. Yet I miss him.. So much. It hurts to see him in the hallways. I want to talk to him. Yet.. I feel so unwanted in his presence. I don’t know what happened. Maybe.. I just messed things up by over analyzing everything. I became what I never wanted to be. Of all the times to be that girl who over achieved in any relationship, that gave thought into what she said, or who would think about him more than I needed to. It was with a guy who wasn’t actually mine, nor will ever be mine. I choose to be that girl then. To the guy who would never be that way to me. Over all the guys who probably would have. Indecisiveness can be a nuisance. Especially this way.